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NINJAS KILLED MY FAMILY | SO YOU WANT TO BE A SUPERVILLAIN? - PART I |
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Mar 11, 2010 - 5:13 PM - by Philip Roland
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Issue 3 | So You Want to be a Supervillain?
Part I - Seven Superheroes Whose Asses You Could Kick in a Fight
Hi. My name is Philip Roland. You may not know me by that name, but at one point I went by the nom de guerre of Bugs Meany, the preeminent arch-nemesis of Idaville's number one boy detective, Leroy "Encyclopedia" Brown. You won't be hearing much from ol' Encyclopedia these days, mainly because I finally got fed up with his smart little mouth and beat him to death with his own quarter jar.
Why am I telling you this? Because I'm tired. The road to being a successful supervillain is a long and arduous trek, and, honestly, once you've hacked your archenemy's body into wet fishy boy chunks and dumped the pieces in the local reservoir, a lot of the simple joy goes into the drink as well. I wish to retire, but I obviously can't leave the world without a suitable replacement, else where would we be but beneath the bootheels of snot-nosed little punk-asses who think they're so much friggin' smarter than everybody else?
So, if you've ever wanted to strap on a pointy helmet, rob a bank with a laser and "show them! Show them all!" then glue your butt to your seat and prepare to have your brain kicked in the balls as I unload the first of a three part series designed to make YOU the best damn supervillain you can be.
To be a successful menace to society, you need a fearsome reputation. And the only way to make that reputation grow is to stuff it with the corpses of all the do-gooders who stand in your way. Learning how to fight superheroes may seem like a bit much for a first lesson, considering you haven't even come up with your own costume, code name and backstory yet, but fear not, little hellion! The heroes on this list are so pathetically out of your league you could dip your crotch in lead paint and call yourself Nerve-Twitch Man for all I care, for as long as you have half a brain in that tumor-riddled skull of yours you could still kick their asses and have enough time to stick up one more orphanage before supper.
7. Matter-Eater Lad
Who he is: Tenzil Kem, member of the futuristic Legion of Super-Heroes.
... [Read More]
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8 Replies | 71 Views
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EVERYTHING BUT IMAGINARY #343: KILLER INSTINCT |
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Mar 10, 2010 - 10:13 PM - by Blake Petit
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WARNING: This column is pretty much one big mama-jama spoiler for Justice League: Cry For Justice #7. If you want to remain unspoiled, go read the $40 Long Box and come back when you’re up to date.
 In one of those “break the internet in half” moments, last week’s Justice League: Cry For Justice #7 came with something of a shocker ending. Throughout the series, Big Bad Prometheus had been doing a lot of nasty things, orchestrating the deaths of friends and loved ones of many of the heroes involved. Along the way, he was responsible for the near-destruction of Star City, the deaths of thousands of people including Roy Harper’s daughter Lian, and the loss of Roy’s right arm, which is probably the worst thing you can do to an archer short of outright killing him.
It was Green Arrow, the most personally affected of the heroes, who convinced the League to let Prometheus go in exchange for the codes to shut off his doomsday machines. It was also Ollie, after the battle ended, who sought out Prometheus in his lair and put an arrow into his brain.
As you may expect, this has caused some small amount of controversy.
Here’s my thoughts on the subject. Heroes who kill are not something that should be taken lightly. For some heroes it’s unacceptable under any circumstances. Spider-Man has no killer instinct in him. Superman is the character who will always find another way. Batman, as Mark Waid observed back in Kingdom Come, is a little boy who doesn’t want to see anyone else die. Dick Grayson and Tim Drake (no matter what costumes they’re wearing at the time) are Bruce’s true sons, and neither of them is a killer either.
None of this, though, applies to Green Arrow. He doesn’t have the tragic impetus that Batman has, nor Superman’s black-and-white philosophy. Oliver... [Read More]
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28 Replies | 473 Views
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 GEEK VISION - LOST EPISODE 607 |
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Mar 10, 2010 - 5:52 PM - by Andrea Speed
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Episode 607 - Dr. Linus
Aired March 9th, 2010
This was a Ben centric episode, focusing on everybody’s favorite evil bastard. Only this was the episode that launched the possibility of a redeemed Ben, one who might actually choose another side. Can we trust him? Hmm. The bad guys might have Sawyer and Sayid - the schemer and the badass, respectively - but are either of them more adept at scheming than Ben? Past history has said no, he’s out conned Sawyer to grand effect and knows better than to engage Sayid without leverage, so the good guys might have balanced the scales here. Assuming we can trust him, assuming the good guys will even bother to trust him.
In the sideways world, Ben, it turns out, is a milquetoast. A high school history teacher way overqualified for his job, and being slowly crushed beneath the dictatorial and budget cutting heel of the principal, Reynolds. He takes care of his dying father, who pines for the life they could have had if they had stayed on that island (oh no you don’t, man - in the island life, he killed your drunken arse), and has a favorite student in Alex (who, in island life, was his adopted daughter). It’s substitute teacher Locke who gets the ball rolling for Ben. When he complains about Reynolds and his policies, Locke suggests that Ben should be the principal. Ben bats away the idea, but Locke bats it right back, and it has him thinking. Uh oh. When Ben is thinking, trouble’s going to happen.
Back on the island, Ilana has discovered the truth thanks to Miles: Ben killed Jacob. He tries lamely to deny this, but once they’re back on the beach, she chains his ankle to a tree and orders him at gunpoint to dig his own grave. She’s a full on Jacob acolyte, after all, and she won’t let this heresy go unpunished. The rest of the survivors honestly don’t care. Ben is evil, has been evil, and if he murdered Jacob, then hell, that’s just another body on his list, isn’t it? So if Ilana wants to execute him, mazel tov. They’re staying out of it. Miles, for no obvious reason, does try to be civil to Ben (although he... [Read More]
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5 Replies | 66 Views
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