EVERYTHING BUT IMAGINARY #264: BRUSH UP YOUR SHAKESPEARE

[Blake Petit]

I am currently in a very heavy Shakespeare mode. It’s the end of my school year, and in the district where I teach, Drama is the final unit in the English curriculum. That means my 9th-graders are studying Romeo and Juliet and my 10th-graders are knee-deep into Julius Caesar (whether they like it or not). And if that weren’t enough, I’ve been cast as the Player King in a production of Hamlet that will be rehearsing this summer. Oh, and I never stop listening to the Reduced Shakespeare Company in my car. I’ve got Willy coming out the wazoo.

One of the best ways I have yet found to get an apathetic 14-year-old to pay attention to Shakespeare is to make him realize just how much popular culture is actually based on his work. We all know the big ones – Romeo and Juliet became West Side Story, The Tempest is Forbidden Planet, Troilus and Cressida was adapted into Dude, Where’s My Car?, and so forth.

But then there are the less obvious adaptations. A girl disguises herself as her own brother and falls in love with a man who thinks she’s a dude. Shakespeare called it 12th Night. Amanda Bynes called it She’s the Man. (Shakespeare’s title was better.) The Taming of the Shrew, about a girl who hires a man to woo her ill-tempered sister to free up her own dating prospects, became the teenybopper romcom 10 Things I Hate About You. Then there’s Hamlet, the immortal tragedy of a prince urged by the ghost of his father to take revenge against his murderer, his own brother. Shakespeare’s greatest work – and I love how shocked my students always are by this one – provided at least half the inspiration for Disney’s The Lion King.

So this got me to thinking – why haven’t we seen Shakespearian stories applied to more comic books? I mean, sure, we got the odd Classics Illustrated story back in the day, but Shakespeare is universal. They based an episode of friggin’ Moonlighting on Taming of the Shrew, for Heaven’s sake! So today, friends, I’m gonna do the job. Marvel, DC, and everyone else that publishes comics – here’s my attempt to inject a little more culture into your comics.

PETEO AND MARY JANE

Peter, son of Straczynski, has fallen in love with Mary Jane, son of his arch-rival, Quesada. the bitter feud of their fathers continues to tear them apart until, in a battle with Mary Jane’s cousin Tony Stark, Peter’s identity is revealed to the world. Refusing to sign up with Tony's registration act, even though he already has done so and deciding he doesn't agree with it should not, legally, cancel his preexisting registration, Pete runs off to hide for a while in an issue of Marvel Illustrated, because nobody is reading those anyway. As he flees, Mary Jane turns to Friar Mephisto for help. His plan to make everyone forget they were married backfires, however, when the people of Marvona refuse to forget and they commit slow suicide via reader attrition. The can’t miss scene? When Prince Jameson, standing over the corpses of Friendly Neighborhood Spider-Man and Sensational Spider-Man, announces, “AAAAAAAALL who paid for this comic book are punishéd!”

KING WAYNE

An aging Bruce Wayne decides to retire and leave the protection of Gotham City to his three sons, Dick Grayson, Tim Drake and Terry McGuinness. Terry tries to convince him it’s a bad idea, but Bruce throws him out of Stately Wayne Manor, along with Alfred, who takes Terry’s side in the dispute. Alfred returns, using his stage training to disguise himself as Aunt Harriet, and tries to protect Master Bruce as Tim and Dick’s bickering threatens to tear Gotham apart. As Tim and Dick battle for Commissioner Gordon’s endorsement, Terry leads an army of heroes from Earth-12 into battle. Tim and Dick kill each other and Jim Gordon realizes his mistake, but it’s too late: Terry is dead and Bruce quickly dies with him. This version, naturally, will be written by Frank Miller. Don’t miss the scene with Bruce and the Joker in one helluva rainstorm, after which Bruce goes insane and the Joker disappears from the series, much like The Dark Knight Returns.

TWO NOBLE MUTANTS

In the fabled land of Genosha, Scott and Logan are captured by Magneto and chucked in prison together. From their cell window, they both see – and fall in love with – the lovely Jean Grey. Scott is released from prison soon after and banished from Genosha, but returns anyway in an attempt to win Jean’s heart. Logan, meanwhile, sneaks out of prison by seducing the jailer’s daughter, Polaris. (This act was written by Chuck Austen.) Scott and Logan decide to fight it out in the Danger room for Jean’s affections, but each of the three make a prayer to the gods (Stan and Jack) first. Scott prays for victory, Logan prays to hook up with every redhead he meets, and Jean prays to be with the one with higher sales. All three get their wish. Scott wins the fight, but is then promptly killed off-panel. (This act is based on X-Men: The Last Stand.) Jean and Logan run off together to live happily ever after and guest star in a hell of a lot of comic books.

ARCHIE’S MIDSUMMER NIGHT’S DIGEST

When Mr. Lodge finally loses it and forbids Archie and Veronica from dating, they panic and run off to the woods. Terrified of the eternal quadrangle being shattered, Betty and Reggie put aside their differences and chase after them. As it grows dark, the four of them get lost and fall asleep. Meanwhile, in the same forest, Dilton Doiley and his girlfriend, Danni Malloy, are testing a love elixir they invented on a pack of cuddly cartoon squirrels. They run smack into Jughead, Chuck and Moose, who are taking Veronica’s mischievous cousin Leroy on a Big Brothers campout. Dilton and Danni drop their chemicals into the campfire, and the fumes knock them all out. Leroy, waking up first, uses Dilton’s equipment to turn Jughead’s head into a donkey’s head, then makes Danni fall in love with him. Finding the others also asleep in the woods, he begins using the chemicals willy-nilly, making Betty fall in love with Reggie, Chuck fall in love with Veronica, Moose fall in love with one of the squirrels, etc. When Dilton finally regains his senses, he rounds up and cures everyone, but upon Jughead’s suggestion, he doesn’t reverse the elixir on Archie, who is now in love with Betty. Moose and Squirrel go on to have their own enormously popular spin-off series.

THE MERCHANT OF DUCKBURG

Hoping to finally ask Daisy to marry him, Donald Duck is in desperate need of cash for a ring, so he turns to his rich uncle Scrooge McDuck for help. Scrooge agrees to the loan, but on a strange condition – if Donald cannot repay the loan on time, Scrooge will take his payment in a pound of rachis from Donald’s feathers instead. (Donald is unaware that a “soda” he drank earlier was actually a compound whipped up by wacky inventor Gyro Gearloose which, in three days’ time, will begin transforming the rachis – the central shaft – of Donald’s feathers into white platinum.) Donald arrives to propose, but finds himself again dueling with his cousin and rival, Gladstone Gander. Daisy proposes a contest – the duck who can find a portrait of her in three casks of platinum, gold and lead, will win her hand. Gladstone trusts his luck to select the proper cask, but a side-effect of Gryo’s potion repels Donald from the platinum cask and causes him to crash into the lead cask, revealing Daisy’s portrait and winning her hand. When the time to repay the loan arrives, however, Donald is unable to pay Scrooge back, and the two wind up in court. Scrooge is given permission to pluck the feathers, but Donald’s lawyer “Davis,” suddenly finds a loophole in the contract. Scrooge is allowed to pluck the rachis, but if he touches the barbs of the feathers, he will forfeit everything. Foiled, Scrooge is forced to accept monetary payment, which is given as a wedding gift by a passing Gladstone, who sold the gold cask for a fortune to a random passerby who happened to collect jewel-encrusted storage units. “Davis” reveals himself to be Daisy in disguise, and the ducks rush off to be wed, after making Scrooge convert to Christianity for no apparent reason.

KAL-ELLO, THE KRYPTONIAN OF SMALLVILLE

Set in the wheat fields of Kansas, this tale begins when Lex Luthor learns that young Clark Kent has begin dating Lana Lang, who was upset over the death of her boyfriend in Iraq for all of, like, a minute. Jealous that Clark thinks Pete Ross is a better friend than he is, Lex convinces Clark that Pete and Lana are having a fling on the side, even though Pete is actually in love with Chloe Sullivan. Clark confronts Lana, who denies the affair, but thanks to a red kryptonite ring Lex planted on him, Clark loses control and vaporizes Lana with his heat vision. Lex and Chloe arrive on the crime scene and Chloe, using her computer to figure out everything, reveals that Lex was behind the whole scheme. Lex kills Chloe, but Clark ties him up, gives him to the police, and then stabs himself with a Kryptonite dagger, which Lex just happened to have lying around. As the story ends, the camera pulls back to reveal the entire tale was a computer simulation being watched by the adult Superman in his Fortress of Solitude, because apparently, in the Silver Age watching tragic alternate versions of your own life was considered slam-dunk entertainment.

FAVORITE OF THE WEEK: MAY 14, 2008

Picking up the torch lit by Annihilation and carried by Nova, Marvel’s newest cosmic title, Guardians of the Galaxy, rocked my socks off with its first issue. In addition to having fun characters and fantastic artwork, this book was totally action-packed. In just 22 pages, we saw the creation of the team, their first mission, an ominous portent for the future, and a lot more. It felt like I read six issues in one book, and six great issues at that. I loved the original Guardians in their first series, and I love that this book even seems to have a way to link itself to the team it’s named after. Without a doubt, Marvel’s cosmic stuff is currently the top of their game.

Blake M. Petit is the author of the superhero comedy novel, Other People's Heroes, the suspense novel The Beginner and the irregular “Think About It” humor column at Think About It Central. He’s also the co-host, with the inimitable Chase Bouzigard, of the 2 in 1 Showcase Podcast. E-mail him at Blake@comixtreme.com and visit him on the web at Think About It Central.

[Terry Verticchio]

I never liked Romeo and Juliet...to me they were just another pair of punk teenagers that didn't listen to their parents and look what happened to them! Besides, why the heck didn't they just elope?

Troilus and Cressida was adapted into Dude, Where’s My Car?

Seriously...

[Blake Petit]

Originally Posted by Terry Verticchio

Seriously...

Ahem. We here at Everything But Imaginary Global Headquarters make no promises as to the accuracy of any of the Shakespeare herein contained in this column.

[ramapith]

Originally Posted by Blake Petit

...after making Scrooge convert to Christianity for no apparent reason

Congrats, Blake—you've just made my evening... and I'm Jewish!

[Blake Petit]

Originally Posted by ramapith

Congrats, Blake—you've just made my evening... and I'm Jewish!

Heh -- I had a feeling you'd like that one.

And hey, don't thank me, thank Shakespeare. I'm just using his blueprint, after all.

[Andrea Speed]

Troilus and Cressida was adapted into Dude, Where’s My Car?

Ashton Kutcher was the best Cressida I have ever seen.

[Dalarsco]

Hamlet was so not Shakespeare's best play. It kicks ***, but I find it a tad shallow compared to The Merchant of Venice. Shylock is one of literature's most brilliantly human villains, while the end reveals that the real villain was in fact his daughter, with her dislike of "sweet music" being shorthand of the era for evil. And while we're on the topic of Shakespeare inspiring pop culture, Chris Claremont's reinterpretation of Magneto is certainly based on Shylock. They are both Jews who were hardened by persecution. They do some villainous things but deep down are good men.

[Dirge]

Funny article. I should send it to my dad. My father is a big shakespear fan, but I've only read four plays in HS. But we have the everlasting debate about MacBeth. He says it is great, I say it sucks. My rationale is that all the action in the play is based on the witches preditctions coming true. But the prediction that started it all did not come true: Banquo's son is not king. For me, that ruins the story.

[Justin Byrd]

Originally Posted by Dirge

Funny article. I should send it to my dad. My father is a big shakespear fan, but I've only read four plays in HS. But we have the everlasting debate about MacBeth. He says it is great, I say it sucks. My rationale is that all the action in the play is based on the witches preditctions coming true. But the prediction that started it all did not come true: Banquo's son is not king. For me, that ruins the story.

He one day becomes king though.

[Blake Petit]

Originally Posted by Dirge

Funny article. I should send it to my dad.

Please do! Spread the love!

Maybe I'll do the Scottish play in the inevitable sequel to this column.

[Dirge]

Originally Posted by Justin Byrd

He one day becomes king though.

But it's outside the realm of the story. He needed to be king at the end of the story for it to work for me.

[PinchyWearO]

Originally Posted by Dalarsco

Hamlet was so not Shakespeare's best play. It kicks ***, but I find it a tad shallow compared to The Merchant of Venice. Shylock is one of literature's most brilliantly human villains, while the end reveals that the real villain was in fact his daughter, with her dislike of "sweet music" being shorthand of the era for evil. And while we're on the topic of Shakespeare inspiring pop culture, Chris Claremont's reinterpretation of Magneto is certainly based on Shylock. They are both Jews who were hardened by persecution. They do some villainous things but deep down are good men.

I think King Lear trumps them both.

Very entertaining article.

[Blake Petit]

Originally Posted by PinchyWearO

I think King Lear trumps them both.

Very entertaining article.

Why thank ye, kind sir! I do endeavour to do my humble best!

Next time I may just write the whole column in iambic pentameter!*


*The hell I will.

[Justin Byrd]

Originally Posted by Dirge

But it's outside the realm of the story. He needed to be king at the end of the story for it to work for me.

Eh, splitting hairs. I love Macbeth. One of my faves.

Personally, Romeo and Juliet is the most overrated Shakespeare play. So many other ones that are so much better (Lear, Shrew, etc.)

[Blake Petit]

Originally Posted by Justin Byrd

Eh, splitting hairs. I love Macbeth. One of my faves.

Personally, Romeo and Juliet is the most overrated Shakespeare play. So many other ones that are so much better (Lear, Shrew, etc.)

I agree that there are better Shakespeare plays, but I think that R&J is probably the most accessable, especially to the teenagers we try to get to learn this stuff.

[Terry Verticchio]

Henry V perhaps the most entertaining bit of propaganda every written.

Oh yeah...the French lost 10000 men and the English lost 24 at Agincourt. Sure, Bill, whatever.

[Justin Byrd]

Originally Posted by Blake Petit

I agree that there are better Shakespeare plays, but I think that R&J is probably the most accessable, especially to the teenagers we try to get to learn this stuff.

Actually as a teenager, when exposed to the plays, I found Macbeth the most accessible. It was like one of those big budget action flicks (only with MUCH better writing). Romeo and Juliet was just saccharine BS. My favorite moment of that, though, was when my friend got sent to the hall for saying Romeo was a nymphomaniac.


But hey, I'm a cynic at heart, so I guess I'm just not willing to by into the themes of R&J.

[Zap Rowsdower]

Originally Posted by Dirge

But it's outside the realm of the story. He needed to be king at the end of the story for it to work for me.

But Shakespeare knew that everyone in the audience would know that prophecy would come to pass. It was common knowledge at the time.

Nobody could have imagined the plays would still be performed centuries later. You can't really hold that against the author.

[Blake Petit]

Originally Posted by Zap Rowsdower

But Shakespeare knew that everyone in the audience would know that prophecy would come to pass. It was common knowledge at the time.

Nobody could have imagined the plays would still be performed centuries later. You can't really hold that against the author.

Good point. It'd be like doing a movie about the Civil War and hinting that Lincoln got assassinated, but not showing it.

[PinchyWearO]

Originally Posted by Justin Byrd

Romeo and Juliet was just saccharine BS.

Have to disagree there. R&J deals with all of the issues high school students deal with.

Unrequited love (Romeo invented Emo)
Impetuous love
Drugs
Sex
Gang violence (this is very relevant out here)

And especially parents' inability to understand their children.
Take this line after Lady Capulet explains that Romeo has killed Juliet's cousin Tybalt:

"Indeed, I never shall be satisfied
With Romeo, till I behold him--dead--
Is my poor heart for a kinsman vex'd."

The word "dead" is detached because it serves two different roles depending on perspective. If you read "dead" as the first word of the second sentence, Juliet is confessing to her mother that she loves Romeo and cannot feel sorrow for her cousin. However, her mother hears "dead" as the last word of the first sentence which changes the meaning completely. Read the lines both ways and you'll see how different they are. In three lines, Shakespeare has perfectly illustrated the problem between characters: You hear only what you choose to hear. Cool stuff.

My favorite moment of that, though, was when my friend got sent to the hall for saying Romeo was a nymphomaniac.

Shame on your teacher for missing the opportunity to validate your friend's joke by explaining, "of course he was...he was a teenage boy." It probably would've drawn a laugh, but would've also planted the seed that he wasn't beyond comprehending Shakespeare. Instead he was removed from instruction.

Sorry, summer just started and I should shed "teacher mode" for a couple of months.