STANDARD ATTRITION

[B. Schatz]

01.
And when you grow up you can be anyone, they said, but they weren’t telling the truth. I know this because they got angry when I tried to break into that nuclear power plant, and they screamed when I tried to stop that bus with my hands. But you probably can’t stop me. Not unless I die.

02.
Hello there. My name is Brandon Schatz. I work at a comic shop, and I aspire to write the wares that I sell. So far my efforts towards this goal live in the form of a stack of pages that I have yet to do anything with.

In my spare time, I try to make myself look attractive, because the ladies deserve it. I also feed spiders things that I’ve grown in the fridge and try to get them to bite me. I have nearly died twice, and my garbage usually contains at least a couple of dead arachnids. But that’s okay. They were pretty stupid anyway.

03.
Reality gets boring sometimes, so I like to imagine what my life would be like if there was a little more fiction to the reality. I have come to believe that my life should be a comic book.

Each day would be an issue. Several issues, once collected, would be a readable story arc. There would be a beginning, a middle, and an ending to these stories. Characters would be revolving. New ones would be introduced as needed, and dropped when the story required their absence. Occasionally, the book would go in a new direction, hopefully before my life had gotten too stale. Sometimes the stories would have a theme, or a moral. Usually the arc would end on a cliffhanger or a moment that offered a glimpse of an interesting enough future story line. One day, I’ll die and leave some story threads unfinished. The people following my life wouldn’t be too happy about the questions I’d leave behind... but at least then, my story would mean something.

04.
And I choose to live my life in poverty. Yes, I could be making money being somebody special. I could be a doctor, or a lawyer and be a hero for the people who need that kind of help. I could go up north and work on the rigs and make scads of cash being the same guy every day, changing just a little bit to please the guy who pays the bills. Or I could live a life that I enjoy. I could work my little job at the comic shop, and I can go home to a desk filled with possibilities and try to make them a reality. I could be the great, unwashed indie hero and mean something when we get right down to the end of it. I could be myself in the end, and be all the better for it.

05.
But you can’t have one without the other, now can you? You can’t have the life you want without all the other pieces in place, giving you the opportunity to be your own little story. You need the people who make the world turn to keep it turning so that you can make a go at living. And if you’re very smart, and a little lucky, you can make it work. You might never have their money, but you’ll at least get to be something different. And the people who care about you might be fewer, but they sure will care a whole heck of a lot about you. And you’ll live through your arcs and be interesting. You’ll change and grow and become many different things. You’ll be oh so very unique and oh so very you. It will be ever so grand.

06.
And so when I tell people who I want to be, I usually tell them that I want to be a writer. And sometimes I tell them that I want to be a fictional character, like the ones I create. And while they might not completely understand, I know that I’m smiling, and I know I’ll never get bored with myself. And that’s all I really want.

FIN.

Brandon Schatz is thinking of a name between one and ten. He also the creator of Lost Toast, and the PulpHaus Publitorium, where you can find links to everything he does, and then some. Stop on by and say hello. He craves validation.

[Andrea Speed]

I validate you.

Nice column, Brandon.